A friend emailed me an insightful, astrological piece of info about this Mercury Retrograde. These notes (sent originally to my sisters and daughters, reflect my own journey... and since we are all one, afterall... some part of this may touch you! Namaste' GURU's!
I find myself once again, feeling resentful about being 'over-commited' (and seeing that is my take on it, cause it's more work than I thought! :)... working on several deadlines (though I may be seeing them more rigidly than others... it's the project rule... and we know about rules! danger, warning, don't break 'em or someone will be mad! ) seeking cooperation from others who already have full plates! and (like me?) have put there hands up to limit anything else coming at them... so of course, it all is! How did I get here again?
Heck! (sp?) I know about self esteem... have been working on this for years... used to think we all had just a little f...g too much of that if you'd asked me... long ago I thought it was perhaps Mom's 'just stand up a little taller, pretend you know what you're doing and get on with it'... Think I got the 'just pretend' part of that lesson... and inside never really 'felt' it... if we were enough, how come we were never enough?
Well, I've recently had the 'thank god, they are more than just girls conversation' with several folks! One (a middle daughter, a friend, colleague, who rides her Harley with glee, single parents three teenagers and cheerfully professes she can do it all!) looked at me like I had 3 heads... she did not have my point of reference to being 'only/just girls, too bad, no boys'... I found myself back-peddling to explain myself and in the process reviewing it all (AGAIN!!!)...
Well, I am intending to find, actualize & release my modern self image, (ref. to Nancy's post) if it is to be 'cranky crone' so be it. If that's who I am in any given moment, then I will own it, without apology or sublimation or self criticism... and take a breath and invite myself to 'just' be a girl for minute... (btw, that's different from being just-a-girl!... just so there's no confusion, there!) maybe no need to be super woman (can't fit into that suit anymore) super (daughter... can let that one go, I guess, hhhmm? ) super Mom... (can I still be that?) super sister... (what's a sister to do?) super wife (who would want to be husband to cranky crone?) super, super, super??? Aaarggh... I just want to be me, if I could only really figure out who that was.
Day by day, this girl is cleaning house, weeding out the clutter, the corners, the drawer full of empty paper bags. Fresh paint, new windows, re-purposing the way we use the rooms... Nancy's note about this retrograde helped a bit to see where I have been stuck in the old roles, applying the old rules, seeing thru old windows, with old points of view.
Someone recently wrote... it is our families that are uniquely designed to trigger our 's$*!?^#t' 'stuff'... they know where all our buttons are. Skip says if you don't let anyone know where your goat is tied, they can't 'get it'... and families know where all the goats are... You all know that for a long time, I thought, anytime someone gets my goat, it's because I needed to get rid of that f....g goat! Not everyone wants to do that, I get it... These days, it's not so much, for me, about getting rid of the goat anymore, but getting over the 'goat'. Recognizing where I tied it... so I didn't have to look at it... And letting myself off the hook for whatever made me tie that poor old goat up in the first place! That all 'get's my goat!' Who knows, maybe I get your goat?
You know, I wouldn't have wished my stuff on you... heck, I wouldn't have wished your stuff on you... what if we just declare Goat Amnesty day! I say, we take those goats & set them free! I'm wanting to let them off the hook! so to speak! (Yikes, I'm havin' a visual... aahh... Farmer girl says, keep them safe, don't let them get into the green grass, they'll all get bloat! what will be do if we lose all our goats?... hhhm... guess I needed to see that one! hhhmmm... AAAaarggghhhh!!! Who would I be without all those old goats?) Breathe... AAaaahhh... well, I feel better.
Happy Spring... Happy Mercury retrograde... love you all... hope you enjoy today's rant!
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