Exploring a variety of evolutionary paths...

What if all our relationships are really about evolution? Where do we experience unconditional love, joy, harmony (wow... I can hear you!) or what challenges us to stretch, grow, learn: literally to evolve?

My longest lasting opportunities (i.e. relationships) with the possible exception of my immediate birth family, have come in the form of marriage and motherhood. If you've ever been in a class with me you've probably heard me say, my daughters have been my greatest teachers. (Aaahh... what do they say? When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!) Also, the daughters have learned by watching me grow (yes, struggle!), observing my choices and outcomes. Certainly they've created their own classrooms for personal & spiritual growth & learning. Today, from this proud mom's point of view, they are amazing creative adult women with strong spirits and open hearts, and like me, still plenty of room to grow.

Today, I drove Skip (1st mate, you'll get that in a minute) to catch a ride to Boothbay Harbor, ME so he could 'ride shotgun', so to speak, on a boat trip to Newport, RI. Here's a man who would have gladly spent his entire life on a boat, anywhere, married to a woman who doesn't share this desire at all, truthfully, I've a hard time even keeping a canoe upright; btw he's a Cancer married to a Pisces. hhhmmm... Early on in our relationship (after nearly 5 years Navy and 2 baby daughters) he let go of that dream, for us. Each time I think of that, I am grateful for his commitment to us. Each time he goes to sea now, short jaunts 3-5 days for now, I'm grateful that he has the opportunity again. At first I really had a hard time with it, resented his going off and leaving me home, had fear about coping on my own. Luckily I have great tools, teachers, sisters & friends and generally recognized this as a huge opp for me to really let go of some very old stuff. I've sat with the feelings of fear & loss (mostly left over from being a really young wife with 2 babies and a husband on an aircraft carrier on the other side of the wordl), come to know that alone doesn't need to mean lonely, appreciate having time to myself without schedules, expectations, meat & potatoe meals, etc. 

The gift for me, once I got out of my own way, was to realize I had several days completely to myself! Well, just me and the dogs... I thought about what I'd like to do with that time... garden, paint, read, upgrade my website, write a new blog... for a moment, I wished I didn't have so many choices... but I've been there before and have, over the years, come to realize that I can make a choice, I always have enough time to do what I really want to... what ever that is... and if I start one thing and it doesn't feel right, I can always change my mind....  If Skip reads this, I might hear him say, well, that's something she does really well! He'll smile, because he knows that for a long time, I didn't think I had that choice. I felt guilty and expected a hassle from anyone who was involved or effected. I've been the adaptable, self-less (and martyr-ie) young wife, the patient understanding Mom, the loving & listening sister & daughter. Sacrifice and service were just two names for the same "half-empty glass of water" belief I had about my life. Never enough: time, money, help, whatever. I had bought fully into the belief system of who, what & how I should be and I had felt really stuck in it for a long time. Perhaps as stuck as Skip felt with both feet firmly planted on land at all times. And we weren't talking about any of it at all.

Today our lives and marriage are evolving, become new again... And I know we are not the only ones who are experiencing this. The entire universe is waking up, acknowledging who we really are, recognizing that 'Shift Happens' and beginning understand that we are here for the pure joy of it.

When I was stuck in 'less-than', fear and loss there was no possibility I could have imagined my life today. Life was organized around everyone else's needs and avoiding conflict, calamity & chaos.  If I even considered making a choice, it was often based on what I didn't want. I was so sure everything else was supposed to come first, that it rarely entered my mind to even consider what I might want. When it did, I felt guilty and resentful that I felt that way. Even worse, I really resented anyone else who did and would get really angry that they even dared to ask. I was living a way less than glass half-empty life.

The shift to glass half full came in an instant. It was a revolution. And with the awareness that I could look at something I knew so well from a different perspective, came an opening, understanding, awareness of what having choice really meant.  Next shift to the glass full-to-overflowing still sometimes requires a leap of faith. But I think I'm really close to that much of the time. I'm clearly still human (if any of us knows what that really means these days?) hee hee... and I can still fall off the edge in the face of calamity just like anyone else. It seems, tho', it takes more to knock me over and it's easier to pick myself back up and get going again.  I'm quicker to see the win/win, the value in the experience, the spirit in the screaming child, the moment of introspection available as I stand patiently in the long Friday afternoon grocery line... what was I thinking? Aaarrrggghh! transforms to Aaaahh.... I wanted fresh veggies for dinner! I chose this, it was me! I did it, yippee, yahoo, yah hey! I'm headin' home on a sunny afternoon and I can do whatever I want... Let's see... I could finish painting the kitchen trim, start some veggie sets, sit in the sun, play with the dogs, take a walk in the labyrinth, write in my journal...  Oh, haven't done that in a while... sometimes it's quick, sometimes the words just come pouring thru, perhaps there's something here to share? the blog was calling...

Well, the chimes just rang thru the office window looking over the backyard kitchen garden daughter Beth built for Mother's Day a few years back. The bench in a sunny spot is calling me. Today I will choose for me a few moments peaceful reflection on how grateful I am that Skip is following his dream.

Namaste'
Peace, love & joy...
Deb